Whenever I post personal stories on my blog, it is not just to share where I am currently at in my life, but because I truly hope to help someone else out there who may be going through the same thing. It can be quite nerve-racking to talk about my problems and be so vulnerable on the internet, but I hope some good will come out of this
Also, please note that I am not a medical professional and there are so many different types of anxiety. I am simply sharing my experience and how it makes me feel. If you are experiencing emotional distress, you should contact a medical professional for help.
I know I have talked about how I have anxiety before, but I have never really gotten too in detail with it. This past weekend, I had the most severe anxiety attack I have every experienced. It was awful, which made me want to talk about it with you guys today. Luckily, I was at home and my mom was able to help me through it (moms are just that best!)
anxiety: noun; a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
I have experienced anxiety for as long as I can remember. However, the effects of it have gotten increasingly worse over the last couple years, when I developed depression.
As a child, my anxiety stemmed from school and the want and need to get straight A’s. In fifth grade, we always received all of our graded papers and tests back on Monday afternoon. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that every Monday around lunch, like clockwork, I would get so sick from the anxiety of getting my graded papers back. Seriously, the secretary in the office eventually would just ask my mom if she wanted her to send me back to class because she too became familiar with the routine.
This became all too familiar until the time I graduated high school. Although I freaked out over school constantly, I knew I had to suck it up and act like a “big girl” because I couldn’t run away from school because it would just be there the next day to face.
My freshman year of college, I developed depression, which I believe is related to my anxiety in that there are times when I will have “sad” days without any reason at all. It was at the time, that my anxiety seemed to increase in frequency and severity.
In order to better understand what was happening to me, I sought out medical help and also began seeing a therapist. Having anxiety and depression does not mean there is something wrong with you, or you have to try harder to suppress it. Never be ashamed to get help. That is why doctors and medicine are out there…to help you!
Currently, there are several causes to my anxiety
1. The feeling that I am not good enough
This is the one that causes me the most anxiety, especially in my relationship with Cory. There are constantly thoughts going on that tell me I am not good enough, which always makes me freak out and fear that I will be alone. It is extremely hard to convey this anxiety to Cory, because he has absolutely no anxiety so he doesn’t really understand where I am coming from.
Although I constantly work hard in everything I do, I always feel that it does not meet someone’s expectations or makes them proud of me.
2. Having too much on my plate
I am so famous for taking on too much because I want to do everything. Whenever I have too much due around the same time, I completely shut down. Because I know this happens, I do everything in my power to avoid it. I always try to get everything done with the time that I have and get ahead when I can.
3. Lack of sleep
I typically do not have anxiety attacks when I just have one (or two) days with minimal sleep. However, when I have neglected my time in bed for a week, you might as well stay away. I will definitely cry or freak out at the drop of a pin. I really am a type of person who needs at least 8 hours of sleep…which I am pretty good at getting!
If you have never experienced anxiety, it can be extremely challenging to understand what a loved one is going through on a daily basis and what anxiety feels like. Everyone experiences something different when they have panic attacks.
Depending on the cause, I have a couple different symptoms of an anxiety attack. Most commonly, I will simply shut down and when I do not know how to handle my feelings, I just cry…and cry…and cry. For me, it is a way to release my emotions and helps me cope.
Secondly, I have an extreme trouble breathing. This is exactly what happened to me on Friday night. Think of it as in order to breathe, you can only take short breaths, which makes it super hard to oxygenate the body, causing me to hyperventilate. Because this was the worst attack I had every experienced, I began to freak out even more, which ultimately made the situation worse.
I am not ashamed in the problems that I am going through. I also am not afraid to say that I plan on going back to my doctor in order to seek more medical help and figure out a different medicine that will be more beneficial.
Through my experiences, I really hope if you are going through anxiety, depression, or any other issue, you seek out help from a medical professional, or even just talk to a family member. I also hope that if you do not have anxiety, this post helps you understand a little better as to what anxiety feels like so you are able to help someone in your life. Trying to cope on your own can be so draining, and having a support system will make life better for you!
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Follow along with me!